Rest in Peace

We lost a love today. His name is Church. He had pneumonia and was too far gone to be rescued despite all our efforts.
He was such an animated cat and we'll never forget him. We rescued him from a previous upstairs neighbor when we lived in Erie. He was just a kitten and thrown out in an Erie blizzard and we took him in and have had him ever since, a little over a year now. He did get his Christmas gift early-Fancy Feast cat food. We miss him already.

I'm a Hufflepuff!

Like I said...

"You belong in Hufflepuff, where they are just and loyal,Those patient Hufflepuffs are true and unafraid to toil."

Ba Humbug Day

I listen to a radio station out of Ashtabula (homey's birthplace) and today they announced that it was "Ba Humbug Day" and you can gripe about 12 things today, so here goes:

1. Ba Humbug Day

X-mas season or not, I can gripe if I want to, damnit. I am not St. Nick, I am not jolly, too bad.

2. Yodeling

Hey Jewel, yodeling has no place in holiday music.

3. Dogs barking to "Jingle Bells"

It made me want to veer me and my van into the nearest ravine.

4. "Santa Baby"

I don't care who's singing it, Eartha Kitt or not. I do not like it. ESPECIALLY if Eartha is singing it. You made a great catwoman or whatever you were on Batman, but I want to stab my eardrums when I hear you singing this song. Okay, I have to say the same goes for Barry Manilow singing "My Favorite Things" A Fanilow, I am not!

5. Asshole drivers

I can never say enough about this and I know nobody wants to hear it, but please don't pull out in front of me and fishtail between two lanes trying to catch up with the natural flow of traffic that you just fucking obstructed. Asshole.

6. Special Forwards

I have to admit I love a good forward, especially if they make laugh like a jolly old elf, but please don't send me the ones that say, "You have to forward this to 10 or more people and if you only forward it to 1 person, you don't have many friends, blah, blah, blah" I have friends because I don't forward these emails to them. When I start forwarding these emails, I will lose those friends.

7. Shopping

I know that both of my sisters just inhaled their cocoa from gasping, but they should also know that I can't stand shopping. I love giving gifts more than anything, but the very idea that I have to go shopping for them is horrid. Mix screaming kids with adults that have no common sense and cashiers that, well, shouldn't even be greeters and it's a nasty mix no matter how you add it up. That's why I thank God for creating the internet on the 7th day. She's such a wonderful God. Point, click, wait for the mail.

8. Frank Snot-ra

Dude, I about fell asleep in the van driving home because they were playing some Frank. Thankfully, I had a needle to stab beneath my fingernails to keep me awake. I know, I know...change the channel. I did. Three times. First station, Jewel yodeling to White Christmas. Second, Dogs barking to Jingle Bells. Third, Santa Baby. Need I say more?

9. Being in the Slytherin category on Kristen's page

At first, I was like, "Okay, there's probably something good to be said about that. Hey, Monsieur le coq is here! Wait, I'm in the class with the dogs? Where is that damn sorting hat?!" I just don't like it, no sir I do not.

10. GameSHOUT's Top 10 Holiday Movie List

Sorry, Patio; I know you didn't create the list. I don't have any problem in general with the list, just the fact that Die Hard 1&2 are #3 on the list. I know that the theme of the movie occurs during the holidays, but so do a lot of movies. That doesn't mean they should make it to the top 10 of Holiday Movies list. It belongs on a whole other category. Something like..."Movies that never should have made it to the silver screen"

11. These cats

One wants to "become one" with me while I'm on the computer. One is trying to die of pneumonia. One nearly had to have his tail amputated. 25 pounds of cat and no tail does not look good. One has to cuddle like an infant, but ONLY on the left shoulder. Nobody has a good left shoulder in this house. One I forget we have because all she does is hide and sleep. Halfpint swears about every other week that she's on her way out, but we've been together for almost 5 years and this cat ain't goin' nowhere! I think we have too many cats, but the truth is, if a stray showed up on our door and stayed there for like 5 minutes, I would take it in and say we have 6 cats. Every once in a while, Halfpint says, "We gotta start getting rid of some cats." Not happening chick!

12. Having to come up with 12 gripes

Says who? Peace out, Napoleon!

Just in case you were bored...

Look into the crystal ball.






http://trunks.secondfoundation.org/files/psychic.swf

A friend of mine sent me this link and it was a little strange at first, but now that we've figured out the formula, it's not as strange, but still a little fun. Go ahead, give it a try!

What's wrong with the world, Mama?

Some may say you should treat people kindly because of the holiday season and some may say it's being "a good Christian", but it's neither. It's just seems like common sense to me to treat people with decency. If you ask me, the holidays seem to bring out the worst in people, not the best, yet society and the media preach this loving and spiritual holiday. If you really take a good look around, you'll see it just isn't so.

In the stores it can really be a nightmare. I was coming out of the grocery store and there were a fair amount of people. We were exiting in a line about two carts wide, leaving a bit of room for people entering the store through those doors. I've got this older lady behind me who apparently wasn't too happy with the speed of things. There were some people ahead that were going a little slower than what we may deem necessary, but who cares? The line wasn't stopped, it was a slow, steady pace. Well, this chick saw the green flag and was on the hunt for the checkered flag. She passed me on the left, then she nudges in front of me. Wow, you're a whole cart ahead and we're almost entirely out of the building now. I wonder if she felt like she actually accomplished something. I never did see if she made it to the checkered flag first. What an ass.

Then we have traffic. I can go a day and a half on this subject, but I'm sure it's nothing you all haven't witnessed before. My favorite part is people that are racing to the next red light. What the hell is that shit. In town, we have one of the main drags, East/West 12th Street. It has lights every block or two. Why are you laying tire when the light turns green? You're first in line or third in line and that's what you'll be at the next red light. If you don't like traffic signals every block or two, take the Bayfront or the Interstate and leave the local roads to the idiots who can't pump their brakes on black ice.

Speaking of driving- I don't care if you have tepid heat in your car and duct tape and a hefty covering one or more windows- you're at least in the car and not openly exposed to the elements. So, if you happen upon people crossing the street in wind that is freezing everything it's passing over, let them cross! Even if it's raining or blazing heat, just let them go, but especially in the cold. They're not out there singing "Walking in the winter wonderland", they're trying to get from Point A to Point B without becoming a human popsicle. You won't die. On the other hand, it drives me crazy when people see you approaching a green light and cross right about when you hit it, so you are pumping the brakes like it'll produce life-saving blood for a dying relative. Are you begging to be hit? I know plenty of people that'll keep going and make you race to the curb because they don't give a shit if you get hit or not. They'll just keep on going like they hit another pothole.

I don't know what the problem is, but let's not pretend the world is a better place because it's the holiday season; It's the same as every other time of year. Good people are good and assholes are still assholes.

MFM

Fuck Middle Finger Monday. Fuck the days of the week; I don't like them either. They suck. Everything sucks.
In other news, I put my damn tree up last night and it is so adorable and it lights up the living room so nicely and softly. Every little snowman ornament is so happy to be back on the tree.
In even more pressing news, what's the deal with 1st, 2nd, and 3rd degrees? If you have a 1st degree burn, it's minor, but 1st degree murder is supposedly more severe than 3rd degree. Either way, someone's dead, but who the hell asked me? So I think this has a possibility of confusing people and I think it sucks, too. For crying out loud, if 1st is gonna be worse, then everything 1st should be the worst. Of course, changing it now would really confuse the hell out of everybody far more than they may be now, so I suppose we should just let it go and not make things worse. Fine, I'll just let it go- for now.

Eat your turkey, eat your vegetables...

Chocolate pecan, raspberry and pumpkin pies.












...and you can have some pie!

Hope everyone's Thanksgiving went off without a hitch and hope you were all sufficiently satisfied. It was nice to be inside baking and not have to be out in that hellacious wind, but hearing the waves roar was pretty cool. We decided to keep it simple this year with the basics and favorites that we save pretty much for Thanksgiving. Our menu was:

Turkey- stuffed with onions with thick cut bacon between the skin and meat and injected with Italian dressing and cooked on the grill.

Dressing- the basic with onions, celery, Bell's seasoning and a few sticks of butter worked into 3 loaves of bread, cut up, and a few eggs. Just like Mom used to make.

Sweet Potato Casserole- mashed sweet potatoes, honey butter, cinnamon, brown sugar, topped with mini marshmallows and cinnamon and baked until marshmallows are browned. (This ended up on the floor, smashed with the shards of the Corning dish one with the casserole. We eat it a lot, so we weren't too disappointed.)

Mashed Potatoes- good thing we had these with the casserole one with the carpet now. The night before you cook up bacon, crumble, drain and mix with a spoonful of horseradish. When you whip your potatoes the next day, use sour cream, add the bacon mix, add about another scoop of horseradish and these are so heavenly. I made enough to have leftovers for a few days or more.

Brussel Sprouts- Boil until they're tender, then drain. Fry bread crumbs in melted butter, then add the sprouts. Put in a dish and fold in sour cream. They are so rich and full of flavor.

Green Bean Casserole- I think you all know this one. The good old standby. Not much to it and you can prepare it the night before and pop it into the oven when everything's about ready. Throw on the fried onions and your good to go. The hardest thing about this dish is still having the onions when it comes out of the oven.

Assortment of rolls- I made corn bread muffins, crescent rolls, and basic dinner rolls. All go so well with the pumpkin spice butter. Mmmm...

We didn't do cranberry sauce because it just sits there and never gets eaten. The only true fruit we had was in the raspberry pie. It was good and it was simple and we haven't gotten tired of the leftovers yet.

MFM

Another Monday is here, hence another list. (Yes, I do realize I haven't done a list EVERY Monday)

*Ty Pennington- (And the patch of pubic hair beneath his lower lip) Grrr...I cannot stand the man. I do enjoy the show somewhat, although it can be annoying when they're all crying before they even get to the house they'll be renovating. However, what they do for these families can be incredible and far beyond noteworthy. I think Paul should be running the show. He's my favorite and he wears shirts that fit. Hey, Ty! I'm pretty sure they sell T-shirts at Sears in tall sizes, too. Paul could certainly run the show, but that may take away from his quiet reserved genius. Here's "Paul the Doll":
*Dream Kristen- For reasons unbeknownst to me, Kristen was in my dreams last night, and she sure was a jerk. It started out pretty funny, which I think is the norm for her, but she just ended up being an ass. So, I don't think I like the Dream Kristen.

*Weaver family- On TAR, Family Edition, they are the Jesus freaks. They pray to Jesus to guide them and just end up being driven by the devil. They've called other teams retards and whatnot; did Jesus tell you to do that? Boy, are they in for a surprise. I heard she's black and pissed off! It doesn't bother me that people have faith and everyone has a choice in their faith, but COME ON! You can't go around saying you're above everyone else because you answer to a higher power and turn around and punch their pictures and admonish them publicly. I just don't get it. They nauseate me.

*Alexis Stewart- What the hell is it with her? Martha has a certain look and attitude that says, "Do not disappoint me" but she's always adorable and has a beautiful smile and doesn't have that "I am possessed by Satan" look. Her daughter, Alexis, however, looks like she is very uncomfortable in her own skin. Even Martha's partner, Charlie, on Martha: Apprentice is annoying with his cigar that's the size of a 2" dowel rod and never lit, but he can crack a joke now and then. Even when Alexis does smile, it actually frightens me. *Shiver* I don't like it.

*In other news, I would like to recant my previous MFM to Carissa, the youngest contestant on TAR, Family Edition. Her family was eliminated and I actually shed a tear or two, it was pitiful. She was trying so hard not to cry and I wonder how long she'll blame her Mom for causing their loss. (Fast forward to the teenage years when kids blame their parents for their misgivings) They were actually pretty sweet, though. I still think it's a little creepy how the kids are like robots and the fact that they don't treat Billy and Carissa the same (You're heading to the attic when we get home, Billy), but I did end up rooting for them. Anything is better than the Weavers and their Jesus Candy. Poor Carissa.

I am so in love...

with myself.

You know in the evening when you head to the bathroom to wash your face, brush your teeth, comb out your hair for the day, whatever your routine, and you look in the mirror and you're thinking, "I look so damn good." It seems terrible to be wasting these looks on the pillows and covers; perhaps you should be heading out to the local club and sporting your look for the public.

Then you remember...you have to get up at 5 a.m. to go to work. Then when you get up in the morning, half of you resembles what you looked at in the mirror the night before and the other half resembles something hideous; you wouldn't even check the mail looking like the bad half, let alone answer the door.

Oh well. At least I have the nights.

The final straw

Okay, final pumpkin carving of the year...I think. I decided since I live on the lake, that I'd do one with a nautical theme and I do love lighthouses! So, I think I'm done now because this is bordering on annoying. Hope you all enjoyed the show! Until next year...Happy Halloween!

The day has finally arrived. The kids are eager with excitement and anticipation of tricks and treats. Hope you all get bags and bags of treats. Have a good one. Here are some more pumpkins for your viewing pleasure.

Enough already!

Okay, I know I'm kinda going to hell with the joke, but here's another one. There's a few more to go, so when they're all done, I'll put them all in one post. See ya then!

Wolves are nice

Okay I couldn't help myself. It's becoming a sickness. Soon Halloween will be over and there won't be any pumpkin carving for another year. I may go buy some more pumpkins to carve. I called my Mom and told her to go out and buy at least two pumpkins so I can come over and carve them for her. Tammy wasn't buying, though. Anyone out there need their pumpkin carved? Anyone, anyone?

One of the many reasons...

why Hunter will be in therapy for the rest of his life. This kid is gonna be 14 in January, yet I still drag him to Mason Farms and force him to stick his face through the holes in wooden figures. He's probably having nightmares that he's 30 years old and I'm still dragging him there with the grandkids, but making him poke his cheeks through the figures. How can you resist though, with those cheeks? I gave him the "get your face in the hole" look and he's looking at me like, "do you remember how old I am?"
Hey, Hunter...you know that dream you have where you're 30 years old and your mom's dragging you to Mason Farms? Well, buddy, it's no dream. He he he he. Okay, maybe it'll let up once Britain is walking and tall enough to get her cheeks through the holes. Time will tell. Say a prayer, Hunter.

Let the carving begin!

AZTEC SUN and NIGHTMARE THE CAT

Oh how I love to be creative in every sense of the word. Halloween is one of my favorite times to get creative because I love carving a nice, juicy pumpkin into a masterpiece. This year yielded so-sos so far, but I only have two done. I wasn't enjoying the sun at first, but I'm liking it more now. The cat I ended up doing free-hand because I couldn't find any that looked like our cat, Nightmare. However, when you have 5 cats, I think you probably don't need a damn template; I did last year's cat free-hand, also. All that's left is to carve another one and possibly even another one. More about that later.

Salut!

I just wanted to take this opportunity to say "Thank You" to the wife. She came into the bedroom this morning and asked if I needed her to set the alarm. Just for the heck of it, I said, "yah". I'm almost always up before the damn alarm, but you never know. I just wasn't aware that the alarm was gonna be set to the "FATAL CARDIAC ARREST" setting. I'm wondering if she took out a policy on me and is trying to have me die of natural causes. That thing was so loud I think I heard a flock of seagulls flutter away down on the lake from the fright. The point is that I am awake and can now begin my day, which involves taking care of Miss Brit. Perhaps I should carve her a British flag on a pumpkin and nice carving of "Old Glory" for her parents. Hmmm...sounds tempting.

It's all about the Karma, people!

There are two very distinct sides to me. There is the Pollyanna side, where I am able to see the good in everyone and the world is always a great place to be. Then there's the pessimist, where I feel the majority of the human race is pretty much nothing but a big disappointment. Either way, I believe in Karma. Last time I checked, I fell into the category of the human race, so I can surely be counted in on being a disappointment a time or two in my life. I am certainly not the exception, but we're not here today to talk about me and my flaws. We're here today to talk about brother Steve, and his wife, Melissa who are both going to get the Wednesday version of MFM and all to themselves, too.

Steve and I worked together on weekends at a pizza shop in town. He has worked there off and on as a driver for about 8 years. I started in late spring and was hired as a cook for Friday and Saturday nights. I was praised for my good work and they seemed pretty happy to have me on board, especially on the nights where the second cook had called off or just not shown up or walked out before the shift was over; at least I was there and the drivers pitched in to help when they were around. Anyway, one night, a few months into the deal, I get a call from the manager, Ken, letting me know that I didn't need to come in that weekend or at any time until they needed me and that I could consider myself "on-call" from now on. He proceeded to give me some half-assed, lame excuse about not being able to keep up or some shit. You see, when you're so busy putting coke up your nose, it can get a little hard to think quick on your feet. Well, I let him know he could shove it up his ass and I haven't gone back since.

Since that day, I haven't talked to Steve but maybe one time, even though he used to call me ALL the time and it didn't have to be about the pizza shop. It could be about whatever. Now it didn't bother me that he didn't call anymore; I didn't give it a second thought. It really drove me nuts that he was so into pretending that the life he and his wife had made was so perfect that he couldn't see farther than his nose. In his defense, he may have had poor vision due to his nose being so far up his wife's ass; it's hard to tell either way. Anyway, I was at work with Mom today and he had called and asked for me right away. I just gave my mother the eye-rolling look because I didn't want to hear it no matter what it was, but in a small way, I'm kind of glad I did take the call. Karma bit him in the ass and all these months later, he got the same kind of call from Ken on his day off and was told he was also now "on-call". All I could say was, "And how's that going for you?" I couldn't have cared less. It was a bit ironic that when I was let go, he was like, "wow, man, that sucks...see ya." (In his defense again, he could've recently drank or smoked something and his caring could have been inhibited.) But when it happens to him, it's like this huge deal and it couldn't have happened at a worse time, which I beg to differ; I think there's usually a worse time things could happen. What's the worst-case scenario? You have to get a real job that you can't drink at or whatever else you like to delve in?

Karma's great until it bites you in the ass. You can take that piece of advice from someone who knows first-hand. Hey, buddy---good luck with your job-hunting!

Oy vey!

My mother just informed me she's auditioning for the "Vagina Monologues" tonight. What could I say to that? All I had was, "Break a hymen, Mom."

Honestly...

I need your opinion. Should I be worried that my wife says to me,

"What I really want for Christmas is a chainsaw!"

We were on our way to/from the store and she was dead serious and seemed pretty excited at the prospect of receiving this as a gift and had a preference of a gas chain saw over an electric one. I just started laughing my ass off and she said, "What?"
She said to me later that she could pick out her gifts and I could pick out mine and we could swap and I said, "I know how to pick out a chainsaw!", trying to sound as confidant as Carissa from TAR. I think if I go to the hardware store looking for a chainsaw, I may get some looks, but I can see the fun in that.

Middle Finger Monday is Baaaaaccckkk...

Okay, people, I'm feeling a bit better today, so MFM is back. Pardon the interruption in services, but I was a little under the weather for a time. Shit happens; what can I say? Here goes:

* Carissa---Although this season of The Amazing Race is a watered-down family version, I will do my best to not miss an episode, if for no other reason than to be there to cheer when Carissa's family is eliminated. For those that haven't blessed themselves with and episode this season, Carissa is a 7-year old of the Gaghan family and she is THE most annoying child. I thought kids were supposed to be all cute and stuff, but this kid needs slapped. Also the parents encourage this behavior.
She says, "I can outrun any adult!" and "Adults can't trick me!"
And you can just hear the parents in the background, going, "That's right, honey!"
Uh, I don't think so, people. You are leading this child down a path of downfalls. I'm all for lifting your children up and instilling confidence in them, but she has just got to go. Sorry, Carissa, middle finger to you, 7-year old or not.

*Old Hag--- Tammy, Brit, and I all went out to lunch at the Three Sails Cafe on Friday in North East. There was some ambiance, although they could've lit the oil lamp at the table for a heat source; it was a bit chilly that day. Anyway, the food was orgasmic and Brit was the Belle of the Ball, but all of a sudden, they seated this family of four. A pre-school-aged child, his Dad, his Grandma, and another elderly person, perhaps his Grampa. Well, Grandma, a.k.a. The Hag was crazy, to say the least. I think she had restless leg syndrome or something because she was like a fart in a hot skillet. (Sorry, Tam)
She was all over the restaurant and I have no idea why, but then she decided that the boy needed to walk with her so Dad could talk to Grampa or some shit. Now, most of us know that when it comes to outings, kids don't care to sit in their seats, especially given the chance to walk around with Grandma. However, this kid was not having it, no sir. That spoke volumes to me. It was like some kid getting grabbed by a stranger, he did not want to go. So, she went again without him. Plus, she was so loud! The office upstairs could hear her, I'm sure. On her way back to the table, she was kind enough to make a pit stop at our table to discuss the baby and let us know that when they "get to his age", it's no picnic. Obviously a lover of children. (This is coming from someone who just gave a 7 yr. old the bird.) They finally came around to her table with a bottle of wine and some glasses and the wait staff asked how she was and she said, "I'll be better in a minute." Again, thanks for sharing. Then, in her loudest voice, she asked the waitress how long the owner had been bottling sherry. Who cares? The waitress was very sweet about trying to explain that she wasn't sure exactly, but that it had only been very recently, like in the past 6 months. The Hag kept going on and on about it, like she wanted an exact date , but kept acting like she knew the owner personally and was referring to him by his first name. Well, honey, if you knew him so well, then you'd know when he started bottling sherry, eh? Now, get up and get your white gloves back on and go inspect the restrooms, damnit!

"Don't hate, appreciate"

I would like to take the time to put down the middle finger and show a little appreciation. I think from time to time, we need to let those around us know that we care about the little things in life.

For instance, I really appreciate Lori for a LOT of things, but today I'd like to say thanks for burning my popcorn. You see, I like my popcorn on the darker side, if you will, and she microwaves it an extra 30 seconds just for me so that there are a few morsels of burnt popcorn in the bowl. Add to that, when she makes me breakfast, she'll burn my toast for me, too. I don't care for white bread all that much, but when I do eat it and it's toasted, it had better look like toast, not white bread that looks like it spent 5 minutes out of the package, perhaps in the sun, but actually toasted. I think that's why they call it "toast". Yes, she's amazing and a quick learner, too. Only one beating to get the extra 30 seconds on the popcorn; she hasn't forgotten since.

Another thing I'm grateful for is the American Sign Language. Should my hearing go completely, several people have said they will learn the language so that I'll have someone to "talk" to. I think that is so sweet. If it doesn't work out, I can always develop my own language, like Nell. "Nay tata, Nell. Nay tata!" It'll be a full life either way. I'm sure.

Have a good Wednesday, folks and remember, don't hate, appreciate.

Email to Tess

Working with Cathleen is such a joy. I'm having fantasies of gouging her eyes out or shredding her vocal cords with a rusty razor. Aaahhhh!!!! Oh, some respite...she's going to West Erie Plaza to make a run, aka, pay a bill. Take your time.

Tomorrow I have Miss Brit. Something to look forward to. Remember on Friday when I had her and she poo-pood while we were at your work and I changed her in the van? Well, I put the dirty diaper in a paper sac and then in my garbage bag in the van. Needless to say, I forgot about it and didn't drive the van til Tuesday and lemme say, it was scrumptious. They should really bottle that scent; maybe put it in a candle or something. Hey, that can be Britney Spears' new perfume! I think I'll email her and let her know my idea. Talk to you soon.
~Michelle

Another day with Mom...

Well, I'm back at work with Mom again. I was discussing with her that her co-worker, Cathleen, is never consistent in regards to how she feels about things. One day, she'll complain about something that she was okay with the day before or will be okay with the next day.
So I asked my Mom, "Do they have a diagnosis for that in the DSM?"
She said, "She's just nuts."
So I said, "Ya, but what is her Axis I?"
She said, "There's a whole chapter called 'fucking crazy', now put that in your damn blog!"
Whoa! We got a little case of the crazies today, eh?
Tomorrow I get to work with Cathleen; Mom will be taking a personal day to get those hormones in check! Maybe I'll get to witness Cath with her head between her ankles, polishing her toenails- that's gotta be a plus.
By the way, in reference to yesterday's post, my Mom had books in her bag that she bought from a bookstore while waiting to see Norma. It was Tess who stole the soaps from the hotel and had them in her vehicle, waiting to cross state lines with sample-sized bottles of Pantene. Thankfully she made it home safely.
Tess should have brought them into the bookstore where they met Norma, because apparently there was a morbidly obese woman that reeked so bad, Mom about lost her breakfast. She had the pleasure of standing behind the woman while waiting in line. Now, it doesn't matter whether you're a big girl, small girl, no arms/no legs girl...there is just no excuse for the odor. Soap and water does the trick every time, people. When Mom told Tess that she was afraid of vomiting on the woman, they decided it might actually be an improvement to be covered in acidy vomit. It might have covered up the stench. I don't know, but thankfully Mom didn't throw up on Norma and she can't wait for the next one. Can't wait to see what adventures she'll share.

Mom and Norma

One gift we got from our mother is the love of reading. One of her favorite authors, if not THE favorite, is Nora Roberts and she finally got a chance to meet her in person. Tess went with her, that's her job. Mine is to work with her, although we've all had a hand in that, but I have worked with my Mom the most. Tess has the duty to go to social functions with her, although we've all had our hand in that, too. Tammy does a lot of social functions with her, but now that she has Brit, her function is to bring over the baby to visit the grandparents and "give up the baby" so they can babysit and do their duty.

I asked Tess to send me the pic of Nora and Mom so I could post it on my blog, but she titled it, "Mom and Norma". Her name is Nora, not Norma. (Tammy caught that) By the way, I believe that Nora is a transexual, not that there's anything wrong with that, but every time I see her photo on the backs of books my Mom has, I believe it more and more.

Tammy and I were wondering what was with the bag. I thought it was a Top's grocery bag full of books for Norma to sign, but Tammy thought it was either her luggage or soiled linen. What do you think? The possibilities are endless when it comes to my mom. It could be all the things one "steals" from the hotel, too.

"Discover How A 5’11” Tall Hair Dresser Standing Waist-2-Face With Her Clients

...9 Hours Every Day Effortlessly
Dissolved Every Trace Of Her Vaginal Odor And She Did It Practically Overnight!
Exploding Her Confidence and Self Esteem Uncovering The True Love Of Her
Life."

Wha...what the...?! Jesus on a bicycle! I decided to put the google ads on my blog, just for fun and I thought it was kind of neat and I go to the blog to see how it looks and what do I see but an ad asking if you have fishy, vaginal odor? Is this a joke? I clicked on the ad and while you view the page there is this audio of a testimonial playing and these people are fucking serious! There's actually a section of the page that says,

"We sure hope your vaginal odor, or bacterial vaginosis (BV), is not as bad as Allison's and I really hope that you don't have to stand, like she does- with your crotch six inches from your customer's nose all day, but that is why we wanted to share her story. Allison was able to rid herself of vaginal odor, vaginitis, and other related symptoms. Of course we wanted to share her answer, her triumph over this vaginal infection, with you----"

Even better, during the testimonial, she's talking about how she was alembarrassedassed to have sex with her husband and how it controlled her life. HUH?!?! Someone married the fish? She had sex with this man and he still married her? Holy shit! How long were you gonna let that nasty shit rot up in there? What if she hadn't seen or heard about this medication? Was she just gonna let the shit rot off? That is so wrong and so foul.

When I grow up...

I wanna be Sister Bertrille!

During our little outing, Britain and I had to go see Aunt Tess and Tess and I noticed she sure looked an awful lot like the "Flying Nun". Maybe that's why she's so happy. I know how happy I get when I see Sally Field and I'm sure just the thought of her would make anyone smile, especially a child. Do you see the resemblance? Just a few more flying lessons and she'll be on her way.

Neurosis!

A sad day it is. I don't get to work with my mommy today, but with her co-worker, Cathleen. Plus, I'm so tired because I forced myself to stay up to watch CSI:Miami. There's always tomorrow to sleep in, which I'll probably need to do because I'll be going to Trivia Tuesday tonight at the Plymouth and then there will be more gripping television to watch when I get home. However, I do get to watch Miss Britain on Thursday, which is something to look forward to. She just loves her Aunt Shell.

Well, back to the task at hand...working without my mom. I thought it would be weird working with Cathleen, mom's co-worker, but it's actually not so bad. The worst part about today has been that the most neurotic candidate had a slight problem with her monitor screen; it was just slightly blurry right in the very center of the monitor. Now, I do understand that this may be annoying to some and not so annoying to others, and I do respect that. However, she had already complained about everything else you can possibly imagine since she set foot in the front door. Why is it that anyone who could tolerate the slight blur in the middle of the screen isn't going to be the candidate at that screen? It's only going to be the neurotic one. The main complaint was, "Is that air freshener odor going to be in the testing room, also? I suffer from migraines." Well, so do I and strong smells are a big trigger so I know exactly where you're coming from, but these are not strong smells. There are two candles lit in the whole office, emitting a just-so, pleasant aroma. Then, when we were fixing the problem with her monitor and we had to switch it with mine at the proctor station, she was out in the front office waiting for the switcheroo, she says, "Can I step outside; vanilla is my trigger smell?" What this means is that the easiest way for her to get a headache is to smell vanilla scents. Oh my. You do that...step outside. Well, after Cathleen and I went back out front after the switcheroo, we noticed that someone had blown the candle out. What the FUCK?!?!?!?!
Like I said, I actually do kind of understand each individual complaint she's had, however, to constantly complain from the door and continue non-stop is giving me a headache. The cure: buy a vanilla air freshener for her car and let it steep while she's taking the test. That's revenge for blowing out our candle, bitch!

Middle Finger Monday

I'm posting late today because I was blessed with many nightmares last night which has put me in a foul mood today. That's what I get for eating onions right before going to bed. Anyway, with much enthusiasm (can you feel it?) here goes:

*To the chick in front of me on the bayfront waiting to make a left turn at the green light: Perhaps if you could get off the cell phone, you would have noticed an hour ago that there was plenty of time to make a left turn and if you think I'm sitting through a green arrow while you are going all italian on the cell, I will definitely get out and pull a "Diana" on you. Don't think it wasn't about to happen, 'cus bitch, it was! I know we've all had our days on the cell in the car, but if I fuck up in the car while on the phone, I deserve the finger, too.

*To the assholes that decided to egg Pam's car during "Les-Fest": Fuck off! That is so lame and gradeschool, people! Anyone can drive by and throw an egg at a car; it doesn't take much balls to do it, but how about sticking around awhile and T.P.ing someone's house. I mean, c'mon, next time at least make it worth your while. Quit being such pussies. That's right, Tam, they were being pussies! Sorry you had to hear it.

*Whoever is responsible for the phone system at the doctor's office. It must be Verizon because we all know when Verizon's on the line, there's gonna be a problem. My kid is sick, damnit, can someone do something about the damn phones?!?! The best part is that the medical secretaries are feeling like they're on vacation because they don't have to answer the phone, except for the few people who have brains enough to call the upstairs office and get transferred to the downstair's office.

Well, people, not too exciting today, perhaps I shall post tomorrow about the fun of this weekend's Les-Fest. Next weekend, we'll be taking it on the road and enjoying the Winefest in North East. What the hell, I live in the middle of wine country, might as well make the best of it! Lata!

Goober Dippinfanny

Okay, folks, it's Saturday morning and cartoons are on and I feel like being cheesy, so bear with me. My friend Kimmie from Pittsburgh sent this to me and I felt like posting it...





Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

Use the second letter of your middle name to determine the first half of your new last name
a = dippin
b = feather
c = giggle
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

Which one are you?

That damn speakerphone!

Oh. My. Heck. This is brother Steve. One of my 5 siblings. I don't talk to him much, but he does call my mother at work on occasion, lately with more frequency because it's his son's 1st birthday soon and she gets to help with the party...lucky her. Anywhoo...he calls this morning and we're right in the middle of admitting a few candidates for testing and she answers with the speakerphone and this is how it all played out:

"Pearson Professional Centers, this is Diana, how can I help you?"
"I have a question, you got a second?"
"Uhhh, not really, can I call you back?"
"It'll really only take a second."
"Okay, what do you need?"
"What does it mean when you go poop and there's blood in the toilet?"
"Go the the ER!", yelled the three RNs waiting to be admitted, in unison and without hesitation, long before my mother could come up with a response, witty or otherwise.
Needless to say, he didn't call back after the ER visit; she had to call him to find out what happened. He told her they shoved their finger in his bunghole, said, "Yep, there's blood in them there hills" and sent him home. Wow, buddy, finger stuck in your ass twice today, huh?

How do you spell fun?

F-I-B-R-O-M-Y-A-L-G-I-A. Sometimes called fibrositis, a chronic disorder that causes pain and stiffness throughout the tissues that support and move the bones and joints. Pain and localized tender points occur in the muscles, particularly those that support the neck, spine, shoulders, and hips. The disorder includes widespread pain, fatigue, and sleep disturbances. Along with pain, many Fibromyalgia sufferers report headaches, poor sleep, fatigue, depression, and irregular bowel habits. Many others simply describe their symptoms as "flu-like."

What it means to me:

• "Brain Fog"---On Tuesday, after 10 minutes of seriously trying to concentrate to figure out why we were in Erie on Sunday (because I remembered stopping at Country Fair on the way back to North East), I finally asked Lori, who reminded me that we spent 3 1/2 hours at the Hamot ER.
• "Restless Leg Syndrome"---Even though I feel like I have been hit by the proverbial "Mac Truck", I still have to get up and clean the kitchen or whatever there is to do because I just can't stop moving. When I do stop, it feels like my muscles are "itchy" because they want me to get up and move.
• "I have a headache."---Anyone who has known me for 5 minutes knows that the previous would be put on my tombstone if I were being buried, which I'm not; cremation is for me. A day without a headache is like a sunny, not too cool, not too warm, perfect breeze kind of day.
• Pain---You want to go to bed so you can fall asleep and not feel the pain, but laying in bed is so painful, you want to sit in the chair, but it's too painful to sit after a few minutes that you wish you could just go lay in the bed. After playing ring-around-the-rosie, you just pass out wherever because you're too damn tired, only to feel like you're more awake than asleep during the night, but you're thankful when it's morning because you can get up and start all over again. Yeah!!!

That sums up the highlights...it's depressing to talk about, so I like to just live in denial. Life's more fun that way and, as we all know, I like to have fun.

So sorry

Sorry, people. I'm a little slow these days. They said "brain fog" can be bad with fibromyalgia and they weren't kidding. I had to edit the MFM post because I suddenly noticed that half of the post was missing. Not the first time it's taken me a few days to realize something that should be obvious. Perhaps it's not as great as the original, but I think I'm getting my point across. Thanks for showing up today.

A day at work...With my Mom

Ahhh...the joy of working with your Mom. This is not my first time, no siree, not a virgin to this one. I'm excited to go to work today, wondering what surprises are in store for me. My day starts off relatively normal. You know, get up, start the coffee, the whole bathroom scene and what not. I then gather some things I'll be needing for the day...iPod, cell phone, book, etc. Suddenly I'm well aware of how this day is gonna go as I find myself trying to plug the iPod headphones into the charger slot of the cell phone. Yep, tried that a few times while the wife is staring at me wondering if she'll be having to sign me up for SSI checks soon. Okey-doke, off I go.
I leave maybe 5 or 10 minutes early so I can drop off Tess's eBay purchase to her at her place of employment. She's not in yet, even though it's well past 7:30 am, (okay, 7:33am) so I just leave the box on her desk and head to work. On the way, we pass each other and with my window down, I'm waving my arm frantically out the window at her, but to no avail. Stone Cold Tess is looking nowhere but straight ahead, while others are looking at me wondering if I am currently receiving SSI checks.
Okay then, I get to work with plenty of time to indulge in the bagels Mommy brought to share. Mmmm...cream cheese, too! Ahem, excuse me, I have been informed it's Neufchatel Cheese, 1/3 less fat than cream cheese. Good deal then...bagel and coffee...I'm good to go.
8:15am---The candidates finally start to arrive (it's a testing center for RNs, LPNs, Radiologists, etc) and all is well until the second to last candidate comes in and I hear my mother going through the motions of the whole speech you have to give them when they arrive. The only two things you can take with you in the testing room is your ID and your locker key (if you need a locker) and I hear this lady start to groan and moan because she can't take her pen and paper and watch and whatever into the testing room. She just absolutely has to write down all of her labs when she gets in there so she'll know them. Honey...We have a little thing called "real life". When you get a job, are you going to carry your "labs" around with you every day? Besides, we have an erasable noteboard and marker at your station for you to use. Okay, maybe she will carry her labs with her at work...And I do understand test anxiety...I've seen some people just break down and cry or empty the contents of their stomach due to the stress, but she just rubbed me the wrong way from the door. Plus, at the risk of being judgmental (too late), she looks like she went back to school at the age of 60, and in lieu of getting a haircut, she has resorted to hot rollers and has a wild medusa-like pile on her head. I suppose it was just a little annoying to listen to an older lady whine like the younger girls. She's probably a very nice lady, probably loves her kids and grandkids and great grandkids. Okay, let it go, move on. Mom finally said to her, "Look, you need to get your ass in there, take the damn test and not worry how well you're gonna do on it." The lady then thanked her for calming her down. Diana's words of encouragement...works every time.
9am---Everyone has shown up and they are all checked in and I go check on Mom. (I'm in the back, she's in the front) I see after she ate her bagel or two, she decided to finish off the neufchatel cheese with a knife and take her mid-morning nap. I wipe the milky drool from her chin and the desk and gently wake her. After reminding her where she is and who I am, she's back on track again and goes back to the computer. I go grab a piece of fudge to finish my coffee with and go back to my station. She informed me that Tammy will be stopping by today and I get a little excited, but then I wonder if she's confused or if Tammy is really gonna visit. We shall see.
10am---By now, I've sent and received a few text messages from the wife. She informed me that she has gone to the grocery store, but forgot butter. But she's gonna look it up on the internet to see how to make it. Hmmm? Are you crazy? You're 43 and you don't know how to make butter?! What did your mother do with you while you were growing up? Put you on a shelf and dust you once a week. Damn! I always got stuck with butter-churning duty while growing up. Everyone else got to play with their friends and go fishing in the creek, but I was always stuck with barn chores and butter churning. I suppose I'm a much better person for it, though.
10:30am---I go out to see what the old lady is up to and I notice she's on a hunting web site. What the...? Are you kidding me?
"Mom, what are you doing?"
"It's huntingnet.com"
"And?"
"Your father was on there, he belongs to the site, and he saw a post from some service men in Iraq and they wanted people to send them old hunting magazines and turkey calls and stuff."
"Huh?"
"I looked it up to see what they wanted. Your father wants me to put an ad in the Erie-Times asking if people will donate some items and he can send them on. He also put up a request at work asking the guys if they have any they can donate."
"Ohhh...it all makes sense now." Guys in Iraq are gonna call turkeys and ducks and deer in the desert and they forgot their magazines and calls and would like some sent to them. Hey, I'm all in support of the troops out there, give 'em what they want, give 'em what they need. My parents on the other hand just get stranger by the minute. Is this a hint of what's to come for me?
11 am---Where is Tammy?
11:30am---My Mother informs me she would like me to make her lunch. What can I whip up with nothing but a toaster oven, mini fridge, plastic ware, and some foil baking dishes, not even a microwave? Ahhh...homemade chicken soup. She, of course, loved it. She decided that lunchtime conversation was going to be centered around her physical exam she had last week. One of the tests they ran that you want to come out negative, turned out positive. After we discussed a few possibilities and the fact that she had a follow-up appointment with a specialist, I informed her that it's one of the many joys of getting old. She then informed me it's Middle Finger Tuesday and flipped me the bird while continuing to enjoy her brothy brew.
12:00pm---Diana's back on the phone. Doesn't sound like a problem, huh? As some of you may know, Diana's FAVORITE toy is the speakerphone. The last time I worked with her, she had some friend/associate on the speakerphone and they were "catching up" and he started talking about some minor procedure he had or was getting ready to have done. She asks, in a concerned tone, if it was serious. He says, "Am I on speakerphone?" Atta boy, he's been on this ride before, obviously. After they hung up, I found out he had some anal polyps removed. Shoulda just kept him on speakerphone. More fun that way.
Yippee!!! The baby's here!!! Thank you, Tammy!!! Whoa!!! What the hell is going on here? Britain has Kleenex hanging out of each leg of her little one-piece suit. She just had four shots and the doctor's office charges for Band-Aids and all Tammy had was her co-pay and parking meter change. So, Kleenex it is. Poor baby. Tammy said that the nurse told her, "Band-Aids stick." No shit. She's still the most perfect Brittle ever.
What does Tam say after she walks in and hands the baby to her favorite Aunt Shell and asks Mom what the deal is with the speakerphone. All of us kids who've had to call her at work have gotten the same speakerphone treatment. Why does she make us suffer so?
Diana has started speakerphone-calling every one she can think of to tell them that her granddaughter is here to visit her. She is oogie-woogie-oogie talking to the kid, hoping that whoever is on the other end will hear the baby gurgle and they can shrill with excitement, too. First victim...Tess. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
1:30pm---Finished feeding the baby and changing the present in her pants...only one candidate left...gonna gather my things so I can run like hell when the bell rings.
Diana says, "This cow needs to hurry up; I wanna go home and jump your father." Sadly, another day has come to an end.
See you tomorrow, Mom.
Hope the butter's done, honey...I'm coming home!
Bye, Britain, you can come back tomorrow to adore me some more if you like.

Middle Finger Monday

We're going to start a little tradition here, people. It's called, "Middle Finger Monday". I don't think it requires much explanation, so I'm just gonna get started on the list. Here goes:

* The dumbass brats at the Hamot ER waiting room on Sunday that decided to bang on just about everything in the kid's area after turning the magnetic table upside down, banging on that. To you, I offer the middle finger. Hey people, they weren't "little" kids...they were old enough to know better. And while I'm at it, a middle finger to the dumbass parent that left their kids alone in the ER waiting room, here's to you.

* The "Friendsheep Tribe" on BB6: Naggie, Ape, and Evilette. I have never seen a more grotesque example of judgemental people since the days of segregation. Get over yourselves, for cripes sake! Go Jedi Janey! By the way, get off the "Cappy" train already. He's GONE!!! Not dead, just evicted, like your asses are about to be. Watching BB6 is so hard this season. It's like watching a train wreck...you just can't stop, but at the same time you are overwhelmed by feelings of, I dunno, sadness, anger, just a mixture too hard to describe. Also, the biggest middle finger of all goes to Jen Vasquez (already evicted and quarantined) of the "Friendsheep Tribe". You are one of the saddest people around, bitch. You parents must be even sadder wondering how in the hell they created something so awful. I'm inundated with feelings of nausea when you are on the TV screen. You suck. Watching you constantly roll your eyes at people makes me wanna roll the eyes outta your head!

*"The Therapist" across the way. Get a life and quit staring at us already! Sadly, I didn't even know she WAS staring, but a few people kept mentioning it to me, like "why is she looking at us?"...uhh, she has no friends and no life, obviously. It's creepy to think she may have night-vision goggles, binoculars, or perhaps a webcam. I was thinking I should parade around in my front yard in a tankini. I think a 200 lb. woman in a tankini would scar the retinas of even the strongest ogler. For you, both middle fingers.

*The guy at Moonsense that made Tammy's Chai Tea. What the fuck, asshole. We didn't say you HAD to work there...you chose to work there, so how about a little cinnamon on the chai and a damn saucer already? Quit slacking on the customer service, man. Thank goodness our paninis were so damn good, we were wet with anticipation of eating them, although that may be because you had no hand in making them, 'eh? From now on, you ask my lil sissa if she wants some damn cinnamon and give her a saucer under her mug and whatever else she may need; that's what service is about, you anticipate the needs of the customer. For you, the finger! Hey, if you don't like your job, get a new one...Country Fair is always hiring.

"Les-Fest 2005"

Pam and Lori, a.k.a., "The Wife", a.k.a. "Halfpint"


Sandra and Andie


Josh, a.k.a. "Weasel"


Well, I'm finally getting around to posting about my Labor Day weekend. It was a blast, to say the least, but it certainly had its moments. Pam says, "Hey, why don't we all camp out at my place in Girard?" Okay, we were a little skeptical because money was tight this week, but what does it cost to camp? We pack up the tent, clothes, bedding, food to grill, alcohol,and head out Saturday afternoon. We sat there and B.S.'d for a while, drinking a little bit and getting to know a new face, Josh. I nicknamed him Weasel after 5 minutes of knowing him because he annoyed the living hell out of me. I know we all have our issues, but he was way over the top! Even after I let him know he was annoying, he just kept on annoying me. What the hell! Anyway...All of a sudden, there's this pickup driving by slowly with Ohio plates and they pull into the driveway next to where we are all sitting. The guy in the passenger seat announces that they work for a wholesale meat company or something like that and that if we buy the last case, they can go home to Ohio and enjoy their weekend. Dudes, this guy and chick were selling meat out of a freezer in the back of the pickup truck. Well, Andie & Sandra (who are a couple) decide to split the cost and the meat with Pam and they brought out all of the meat for everyone to inspect. We're talking burgers, filet mignon, steaks, ribeyes, blah, blah, blah. (I'm not up-to-date with my knowledge of cuts of meat) Pam says, "I've bought from this company before, it's great!" You know what, it was great. We ended up grilling some of it the next night of camping and it was damn good steak. Okay, you go brother. After the big meat purchase, we decide that it's gonna be forever before we get to eat because we don't have the salad, veggie salad, fruit salad and corn prepared. The grilling and bon-firing are all happening a few doors down at her friend's house. So, we pack up all of our necessities and head over where more meetings of people and drinking occur. It's almost dark and we're getting ready to prepare all of this food. (Mind you, 75% of the people are inebriated, if not more) It's all good though. Good times are waiting to be had. Finally, the eating happens and suddenly Sandra has had her fill. Apparently, she's been drinking since 10:30 that morning. Gawd! Andie helps her to their tent and comes back in time for us to begin the bonfire. It was so much fun. Everybody was so funny and relaxed and finally about 1:30 am, Halfpint and I decide we've had enough and head back to the tent, also.
We all get up the next day to the resident drama queen, Weasel, going on and on again about anything and everything. We decide that we're going out to eat breakfast, but he was never invited. See, the only reason he was there is because he lives at Pam's house with Pam's roommate, Jason. Well, Jason works 12-hour days and Weasel is home all day to annoy the shit out of us. Yippee!!! Now Pam has to explain to him that she has company over and she is going to take us to the diner and he should not assume that her friends are automatically his, etc. Then he goes on about how he's depressed and needs to be around people because when he's alone, he tends to do stupid things. Oh my fucking gawd! Pam and Jason work 12+ hours about 6 days a week and your ass is alone and today you're suicidal?!?! The answer to the question is...YES...We left his ass behind and tried like hell to avoid him all day. I think we all know the type and poor Pam was trying like hell not to clock this kid and kudos to her for keeping her cool, but he sure needs a good clock-cleaning. Anyway, Saturday night was just as much fun as Friday, if not more, because no one got too drunk and everyone pretty much hung out all night by the warm fire. It was just a really great weekend and I felt the need to share. Thanks for listening! Thanks Pam, Andie, Sandra, Tony, Doreen, Kenny and Karen and the Backstreet Boys (Tony & Doreen's boys) for a great time. Can't wait to do it again!

Dear Mr. Bush...

I got this from a friend of mine in Pittsburgh via email and wanted to post it because I can't stand George Bush, but I do like Michael Moore. Anyway, here goes:

Dear Mr. Bush:
Any idea where all our helicopters are? It's Day 5 of Hurricane Katrina and thousands remain stranded in New Orleans and need to be airlifted. Where on earth could you have misplaced all our military choppers? Do you need help finding them? I once lost my car in a Sears parking lot. Man, was that a drag. Also, any idea where all our national guard soldiers are? We couldreally use them right now for the type of thing they signed up to do like helping with national disasters. How come they weren't there to begin with? Last Thursday I was in south Florida and sat outside while the eye of Hurricane Katrina passed over my head. It was only a Category 1 thenbut it was pretty nasty. Eleven people died and, as of today, there were still homes without power. That night the weatherman said this storm was on its way to New Orleans. That was Thursday! Did anybody tell you? I know you didn't want to interrupt your vacation and I know how you don't like to get bad news. Plus, you had fundraisers to go to and mothers of dead soldiers to ignore and smear. You sure showed her! I especially like how, the day after the hurricane, instead of flying to Louisiana, you flew to San Diego to party with your business peeps.Don't let people criticize you for this -- after all, the hurricane was over and what the heck could you do, put your finger in the dike? And don't listen to those who, in the coming days, will reveal how you specifically reduced the Army Corps of Engineers' budget for NewOrleans this summer for the third year in a row. You just tell them that even if you hadn't cut the money to fix those levees, there weren't going to be any Army engineers to fix them anyway because you had a much more important construction job for them -- BUILDING DEMOCRACY IN IRAQ! On Day 3, when you finally left your vacation home, I have to say I was moved by how you had your Air Force One pilot descend from the clouds as you flew over New Orleans so you could catch a quick look of the disaster. Hey, I know you couldn't stop and grab a bullhorn and stand on some rubble and act like a commander in chief. Been there done that. There will be those who will try to politicize this tragedy and try to use it against you. Just have your people keep pointing that out. Respond to nothing. Even those pesky scientists who predicted this would happen because the water in the Gulf of Mexico is getting hotter and hotter making a storm like this inevitable. Ignore them and all their global warming Chicken Littles. There is nothing unusual about a hurricane that was so wide it would be like having one F-4 tornado that stretched from NewYork to Cleveland. No, Mr. Bush, you just stay the course. It's not your fault that 30percent of New Orleans lives in poverty or that tens of thousands had no transportation to get out of town. C'mon, they're black! I mean, it's not like this happened to Kennebunkport. Can you imagine leaving white people on their roofs for five days? Don't make me laugh! Race has nothing -- NOTHING -- to do with this! You hang in there, Mr. Bush. Just try to find a few of our Army helicopters and send them there. Pretend the people of New Orleans and the GulfCoast are near Tikrit. Yours, Michael Moore
MMFlint@aol.com www.MichaelMoore.com
P.S. That annoying mother, Cindy Sheehan, is no longer at your ranch. She and dozens of other relatives of the Iraqi War dead are now driving across the country, stopping in many cities along the way. Maybe you can catchup with them ( www.bringthemhomenowtour.org ) before they get to DC onSeptember 21st.

"Name that...chipmunk."

This is "Norm", "Chippy", "Rudy", whatever. The cat brought him home Friday night. Thanks, cat. His tail was half off, his eyes weren't even open yet and we were surprised as hell that he even lived through the night, let alone 7 days. Saturday evening we were sure he was a gonner. He was cold and hadn't eaten since before the cat brought him home. We warmed up some milk and egg and fed him with a glass eye dropper and have since been feeding him baby formula, a.k.a., "powdered gold". Needless to say, he has come a long way. He has energy, he chatters to you when you're done feeding him and keeps warm with a heating pad when he's sleeping. I'll be sure and keep you up-to-date with news and photos of how he's doing.

Loser? Anyone, anyone?

I am special. I just had to share. I was sitting in my easy chair that rocks when it's not reclined, which might make it a recliner, but anyway, I had gone to the kitchen to get a glass of soda, came back to sit in my chair and enjoy a fun-filled hour of Iron Chef. (Fukai-San!) I sat down and with the soda in my right hand, leaned over to the end table, which is on my left. After setting the cup on the table, I leaned even farther to grab something and ended up being a few inches from doing a face plant, but the only thing keeping me up was my left shoulder digging into the end table. I did finally right myself and tears fell from my eyes for about a half hour or so from the pain in my shoulder, but when I look back I laugh hard at the thought of it and trying to picture what it would have looked like had I found someone in that predicament. Ah yes, it's funny now...

Yes, it's funny now...

Another day with these animals and I think I'm gonna go crazy, although I think it'd be a short trip. Sometimes at night, one of the cats will come into the bedroom and try to get into the windowsill, but the blinds are in the way. What do they do? They will bat at the blinds repeatedly thinking it's going to make a difference, but all that ends up happening is my feet make it to that end of the bed and I gently kick them out of the way. So last night, I hear the blinds and I wake up and get ready to do the gentle kick and I keep doing it and doing it, but no cat, no matter where I move my feet to. Finally, I sit up to look and see where the hell the damn cat is, but there is no cat. It's the fan making the blinds move. Grrr...yes, it's funny now...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

What a face! Looks innocent, huh? Today Donna turns 14 years old. We miss her innocent face, but not the gray hairs she gave us. Not surprisingly, her Dad has even more grey hair since Donna's been with him. We love and miss you, kid. Hope to see you soon! Behave!

How could you not love this face?

HAPPY 43rd BIRTHDAY, HALFPINT!

What can I say? She's loved for so many reasons; most of all, for her crazy comments that make sense to her, but make me laugh til I wanna pee my pants. After 4 1/2 years, there are so many, but today I'll share a couple with you. When discussing politics, not a favorite subject for me even though I do vote, she'll pipe in and say, "What am I again? Democrat or Republican?" Or last night when I made the comment that she's 43 and I've got another 40 years to put up with her, she says, "I'm not gonna live that long, I took that test on the internet." She said it so seriously; I told her it was definitely going into the blog. Well, Lori, hope your day is calm and peaceful. Love you!

Dragonfly

Lilacs

This is a painting I did, called "Lilacs in full bloom". I thought it was okay; not great, but okay. Well, a renowned art critic said it could have used a few more flowers. Oh well, my arm was falling off damnit! Maybe next time.

On a lighter note...

This is Britain LeeAnn, the newest addition to our family. Now, I'm not saying she's my favorite, but you all know better. It's not because she's the newest niece or nephew, it's simply that I remember her Mom, Tammy, when she was born and it's like having one of your own kids having one of their own kids and it's absolutely amazing. I can't even imagine what's gonna happen when Hunter, Donna, or Michael has kids. I'll surely be a mess, I know. Britain will be 6 weeks old on Friday and to that I say "Salut!"