Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Oy vey!
My mother just informed me she's auditioning for the "Vagina Monologues" tonight. What could I say to that? All I had was, "Break a hymen, Mom."
Monday, October 10, 2005
Honestly...
I need your opinion. Should I be worried that my wife says to me,
"What I really want for Christmas is a chainsaw!"
We were on our way to/from the store and she was dead serious and seemed pretty excited at the prospect of receiving this as a gift and had a preference of a gas chain saw over an electric one. I just started laughing my ass off and she said, "What?"
She said to me later that she could pick out her gifts and I could pick out mine and we could swap and I said, "I know how to pick out a chainsaw!", trying to sound as confidant as Carissa from TAR. I think if I go to the hardware store looking for a chainsaw, I may get some looks, but I can see the fun in that.
"What I really want for Christmas is a chainsaw!"
We were on our way to/from the store and she was dead serious and seemed pretty excited at the prospect of receiving this as a gift and had a preference of a gas chain saw over an electric one. I just started laughing my ass off and she said, "What?"
She said to me later that she could pick out her gifts and I could pick out mine and we could swap and I said, "I know how to pick out a chainsaw!", trying to sound as confidant as Carissa from TAR. I think if I go to the hardware store looking for a chainsaw, I may get some looks, but I can see the fun in that.
Middle Finger Monday is Baaaaaccckkk...
Okay, people, I'm feeling a bit better today, so MFM is back. Pardon the interruption in services, but I was a little under the weather for a time. Shit happens; what can I say? Here goes:
* Carissa---Although this season of The Amazing Race is a watered-down family version, I will do my best to not miss an episode, if for no other reason than to be there to cheer when Carissa's family is eliminated. For those that haven't blessed themselves with and episode this season, Carissa is a 7-year old of the Gaghan family and she is THE most annoying child. I thought kids were supposed to be all cute and stuff, but this kid needs slapped. Also the parents encourage this behavior.
She says, "I can outrun any adult!" and "Adults can't trick me!"
And you can just hear the parents in the background, going, "That's right, honey!"
Uh, I don't think so, people. You are leading this child down a path of downfalls. I'm all for lifting your children up and instilling confidence in them, but she has just got to go. Sorry, Carissa, middle finger to you, 7-year old or not.
*Old Hag--- Tammy, Brit, and I all went out to lunch at the Three Sails Cafe on Friday in North East. There was some ambiance, although they could've lit the oil lamp at the table for a heat source; it was a bit chilly that day. Anyway, the food was orgasmic and Brit was the Belle of the Ball, but all of a sudden, they seated this family of four. A pre-school-aged child, his Dad, his Grandma, and another elderly person, perhaps his Grampa. Well, Grandma, a.k.a. The Hag was crazy, to say the least. I think she had restless leg syndrome or something because she was like a fart in a hot skillet. (Sorry, Tam)
She was all over the restaurant and I have no idea why, but then she decided that the boy needed to walk with her so Dad could talk to Grampa or some shit. Now, most of us know that when it comes to outings, kids don't care to sit in their seats, especially given the chance to walk around with Grandma. However, this kid was not having it, no sir. That spoke volumes to me. It was like some kid getting grabbed by a stranger, he did not want to go. So, she went again without him. Plus, she was so loud! The office upstairs could hear her, I'm sure. On her way back to the table, she was kind enough to make a pit stop at our table to discuss the baby and let us know that when they "get to his age", it's no picnic. Obviously a lover of children. (This is coming from someone who just gave a 7 yr. old the bird.) They finally came around to her table with a bottle of wine and some glasses and the wait staff asked how she was and she said, "I'll be better in a minute." Again, thanks for sharing. Then, in her loudest voice, she asked the waitress how long the owner had been bottling sherry. Who cares? The waitress was very sweet about trying to explain that she wasn't sure exactly, but that it had only been very recently, like in the past 6 months. The Hag kept going on and on about it, like she wanted an exact date , but kept acting like she knew the owner personally and was referring to him by his first name. Well, honey, if you knew him so well, then you'd know when he started bottling sherry, eh? Now, get up and get your white gloves back on and go inspect the restrooms, damnit!
* Carissa---Although this season of The Amazing Race is a watered-down family version, I will do my best to not miss an episode, if for no other reason than to be there to cheer when Carissa's family is eliminated. For those that haven't blessed themselves with and episode this season, Carissa is a 7-year old of the Gaghan family and she is THE most annoying child. I thought kids were supposed to be all cute and stuff, but this kid needs slapped. Also the parents encourage this behavior.
She says, "I can outrun any adult!" and "Adults can't trick me!"
And you can just hear the parents in the background, going, "That's right, honey!"
Uh, I don't think so, people. You are leading this child down a path of downfalls. I'm all for lifting your children up and instilling confidence in them, but she has just got to go. Sorry, Carissa, middle finger to you, 7-year old or not.
*Old Hag--- Tammy, Brit, and I all went out to lunch at the Three Sails Cafe on Friday in North East. There was some ambiance, although they could've lit the oil lamp at the table for a heat source; it was a bit chilly that day. Anyway, the food was orgasmic and Brit was the Belle of the Ball, but all of a sudden, they seated this family of four. A pre-school-aged child, his Dad, his Grandma, and another elderly person, perhaps his Grampa. Well, Grandma, a.k.a. The Hag was crazy, to say the least. I think she had restless leg syndrome or something because she was like a fart in a hot skillet. (Sorry, Tam)
She was all over the restaurant and I have no idea why, but then she decided that the boy needed to walk with her so Dad could talk to Grampa or some shit. Now, most of us know that when it comes to outings, kids don't care to sit in their seats, especially given the chance to walk around with Grandma. However, this kid was not having it, no sir. That spoke volumes to me. It was like some kid getting grabbed by a stranger, he did not want to go. So, she went again without him. Plus, she was so loud! The office upstairs could hear her, I'm sure. On her way back to the table, she was kind enough to make a pit stop at our table to discuss the baby and let us know that when they "get to his age", it's no picnic. Obviously a lover of children. (This is coming from someone who just gave a 7 yr. old the bird.) They finally came around to her table with a bottle of wine and some glasses and the wait staff asked how she was and she said, "I'll be better in a minute." Again, thanks for sharing. Then, in her loudest voice, she asked the waitress how long the owner had been bottling sherry. Who cares? The waitress was very sweet about trying to explain that she wasn't sure exactly, but that it had only been very recently, like in the past 6 months. The Hag kept going on and on about it, like she wanted an exact date , but kept acting like she knew the owner personally and was referring to him by his first name. Well, honey, if you knew him so well, then you'd know when he started bottling sherry, eh? Now, get up and get your white gloves back on and go inspect the restrooms, damnit!
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
"Don't hate, appreciate"
I would like to take the time to put down the middle finger and show a little appreciation. I think from time to time, we need to let those around us know that we care about the little things in life.
For instance, I really appreciate Lori for a LOT of things, but today I'd like to say thanks for burning my popcorn. You see, I like my popcorn on the darker side, if you will, and she microwaves it an extra 30 seconds just for me so that there are a few morsels of burnt popcorn in the bowl. Add to that, when she makes me breakfast, she'll burn my toast for me, too. I don't care for white bread all that much, but when I do eat it and it's toasted, it had better look like toast, not white bread that looks like it spent 5 minutes out of the package, perhaps in the sun, but actually toasted. I think that's why they call it "toast". Yes, she's amazing and a quick learner, too. Only one beating to get the extra 30 seconds on the popcorn; she hasn't forgotten since.
Another thing I'm grateful for is the American Sign Language. Should my hearing go completely, several people have said they will learn the language so that I'll have someone to "talk" to. I think that is so sweet. If it doesn't work out, I can always develop my own language, like Nell. "Nay tata, Nell. Nay tata!" It'll be a full life either way. I'm sure.
Have a good Wednesday, folks and remember, don't hate, appreciate.
For instance, I really appreciate Lori for a LOT of things, but today I'd like to say thanks for burning my popcorn. You see, I like my popcorn on the darker side, if you will, and she microwaves it an extra 30 seconds just for me so that there are a few morsels of burnt popcorn in the bowl. Add to that, when she makes me breakfast, she'll burn my toast for me, too. I don't care for white bread all that much, but when I do eat it and it's toasted, it had better look like toast, not white bread that looks like it spent 5 minutes out of the package, perhaps in the sun, but actually toasted. I think that's why they call it "toast". Yes, she's amazing and a quick learner, too. Only one beating to get the extra 30 seconds on the popcorn; she hasn't forgotten since.
Another thing I'm grateful for is the American Sign Language. Should my hearing go completely, several people have said they will learn the language so that I'll have someone to "talk" to. I think that is so sweet. If it doesn't work out, I can always develop my own language, like Nell. "Nay tata, Nell. Nay tata!" It'll be a full life either way. I'm sure.
Have a good Wednesday, folks and remember, don't hate, appreciate.
Email to Tess
Working with Cathleen is such a joy. I'm having fantasies of gouging her eyes out or shredding her vocal cords with a rusty razor. Aaahhhh!!!! Oh, some respite...she's going to West Erie Plaza to make a run, aka, pay a bill. Take your time.
Tomorrow I have Miss Brit. Something to look forward to. Remember on Friday when I had her and she poo-pood while we were at your work and I changed her in the van? Well, I put the dirty diaper in a paper sac and then in my garbage bag in the van. Needless to say, I forgot about it and didn't drive the van til Tuesday and lemme say, it was scrumptious. They should really bottle that scent; maybe put it in a candle or something. Hey, that can be Britney Spears' new perfume! I think I'll email her and let her know my idea. Talk to you soon.
~Michelle
Tomorrow I have Miss Brit. Something to look forward to. Remember on Friday when I had her and she poo-pood while we were at your work and I changed her in the van? Well, I put the dirty diaper in a paper sac and then in my garbage bag in the van. Needless to say, I forgot about it and didn't drive the van til Tuesday and lemme say, it was scrumptious. They should really bottle that scent; maybe put it in a candle or something. Hey, that can be Britney Spears' new perfume! I think I'll email her and let her know my idea. Talk to you soon.
~Michelle
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Another day with Mom...
Well, I'm back at work with Mom again. I was discussing with her that her co-worker, Cathleen, is never consistent in regards to how she feels about things. One day, she'll complain about something that she was okay with the day before or will be okay with the next day.
So I asked my Mom, "Do they have a diagnosis for that in the DSM?"
She said, "She's just nuts."
So I said, "Ya, but what is her Axis I?"
She said, "There's a whole chapter called 'fucking crazy', now put that in your damn blog!"
Whoa! We got a little case of the crazies today, eh?
Tomorrow I get to work with Cathleen; Mom will be taking a personal day to get those hormones in check! Maybe I'll get to witness Cath with her head between her ankles, polishing her toenails- that's gotta be a plus.
By the way, in reference to yesterday's post, my Mom had books in her bag that she bought from a bookstore while waiting to see Norma. It was Tess who stole the soaps from the hotel and had them in her vehicle, waiting to cross state lines with sample-sized bottles of Pantene. Thankfully she made it home safely.
Tess should have brought them into the bookstore where they met Norma, because apparently there was a morbidly obese woman that reeked so bad, Mom about lost her breakfast. She had the pleasure of standing behind the woman while waiting in line. Now, it doesn't matter whether you're a big girl, small girl, no arms/no legs girl...there is just no excuse for the odor. Soap and water does the trick every time, people. When Mom told Tess that she was afraid of vomiting on the woman, they decided it might actually be an improvement to be covered in acidy vomit. It might have covered up the stench. I don't know, but thankfully Mom didn't throw up on Norma and she can't wait for the next one. Can't wait to see what adventures she'll share.
So I asked my Mom, "Do they have a diagnosis for that in the DSM?"
She said, "She's just nuts."
So I said, "Ya, but what is her Axis I?"
She said, "There's a whole chapter called 'fucking crazy', now put that in your damn blog!"
Whoa! We got a little case of the crazies today, eh?
Tomorrow I get to work with Cathleen; Mom will be taking a personal day to get those hormones in check! Maybe I'll get to witness Cath with her head between her ankles, polishing her toenails- that's gotta be a plus.
By the way, in reference to yesterday's post, my Mom had books in her bag that she bought from a bookstore while waiting to see Norma. It was Tess who stole the soaps from the hotel and had them in her vehicle, waiting to cross state lines with sample-sized bottles of Pantene. Thankfully she made it home safely.
Tess should have brought them into the bookstore where they met Norma, because apparently there was a morbidly obese woman that reeked so bad, Mom about lost her breakfast. She had the pleasure of standing behind the woman while waiting in line. Now, it doesn't matter whether you're a big girl, small girl, no arms/no legs girl...there is just no excuse for the odor. Soap and water does the trick every time, people. When Mom told Tess that she was afraid of vomiting on the woman, they decided it might actually be an improvement to be covered in acidy vomit. It might have covered up the stench. I don't know, but thankfully Mom didn't throw up on Norma and she can't wait for the next one. Can't wait to see what adventures she'll share.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Mom and Norma
One gift we got from our mother is the love of reading. One of her favorite authors, if not THE favorite, is Nora Roberts and she finally got a chance to meet her in person. Tess went with her, that's her job. Mine is to work with her, although we've all had a hand in that, but I have worked with my Mom the most. Tess has the duty to go to social functions with her, although we've all had our hand in that, too. Tammy does a lot of social functions with her, but now that she has Brit, her function is to bring over the baby to visit the grandparents and "give up the baby" so they can babysit and do their duty. I asked Tess to send me the pic of Nora and Mom so I could post it on my blog, but she titled it, "Mom and Norma". Her name is Nora, not Norma. (Tammy caught that) By the way, I believe that Nora is a transexual, not that there's anything wrong with that, but every time I see her photo on the backs of books my Mom has, I believe it more and more.
Tammy and I were wondering what was with the bag. I thought it was a Top's grocery bag full of books for Norma to sign, but Tammy thought it was either her luggage or soiled linen. What do you think? The possibilities are endless when it comes to my mom. It could be all the things one "steals" from the hotel, too.
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